My Uncertain Future

Well I've completed my third year at UC Irvine and I've finally found a major, Urban Studies. I'm basically all set to graduate and enter the world on my own as a college grad. But what is so uncertain is what happens next. Typically what happens next is finding a decent paying job, finding a nice place to live and being a respectable, law-abiding, tax-paying citizen. A typical course in most peoples lives. I'm not so sure I want to be like that. I'm not talking about breaking laws or not paying taxes 'cause one thing is sure, Uncle Sam is gonna be on my ass like maggots on a corpse. I've been thinking about joining the armed forces. Its something that has been on my mind for a long time. I had always thought about it but I always quickly dismissed it but something somehow it stays in the back of my mind.
I remember back in high school where my good friend Marcus jokingly (though I didn't know at the time) told me online that he was going join the army after graduation. I remembered that I freaked and I pleaded with him not to, 'cause in my mind there was nothing worse that enlisting in the army. But my attitude has changed a lot over the years.
I have always joked that if disaster ever struck, ordinary people are basically worthless. The people that come to matter are like doctors, engineers, scientists and soldiers. People whose knowledge and abilities are critical to survival and stuff. I want to be a person who matters, who does something important. Serving my country in the armed forces would help me with that. The people serving in the armed forces deserve props. It is not easy and it requires a lot of dedication. Serving in the armed forces is truly an honor and maybe that is the direction my life will lead. I may not know yet, but one thing is for sure: I want to be someone whose work and life matters, matters for me and others.

Not Needed...

I just moved in to my new apartment last week. I live with Daphne, Amy and the other Karen. Its a nice place. Good people. Yet...I'm not comfortable or happy here. Everyone moved in June except me. Everyone bought furniture and decorated the place. Except for my room where my stuff runs galore, theres nothing of mine anywhere else. I've been extremely broke all summer so its not like I could of bought stuff fr this place. Nor drive here to even bring stuff here. Aside from not having a presence here, I don't feel like a belong here. I feel like a burden to everyone else. I don't feel needed. I've always liked to contribute something/things to a friendship so I feel like I am needed and I am worth something....but here...I'm just someone that needed rides to school and they're forced to give rides and change their schedule to fit mine. Amy and Daphne have a special friendship with each other. Daphne and Teresa also have a special friendship. But the difference is that I've known Teresa for ages and shes also a close friend to me. And with Daphne and Teresa I don't feel excluded. I don't share a bond with Amy. I really like her but our friendship is like acquaintance/ roommate kind of thing. I've never felt so excluded cause Daph and Amy share something, like work, that I'm not part of. Daph and I have always shared the same world and I'm not used to this. I'm really feel like I'm butting in in this place, like I'm intruding on something I shouldn't. Daph and I used to do so much together and not we're not. I have no other friends where I do stuff with. All I really have here in Irvine is Daph. At home I have teresa and Marcus, but lately.....Teresa is always super busy with life and Marcus....that bond we used to have is all but fading.........I've never felt so lonely...well maybe I have, but that was 7th, 8th, 9th where I was really emo and I used to do stuff to myself...but thats a different story....best for another time or not at all.....One of the worst feelings is not being needed....hence the title.....

Whats in a word...

The definition of friendship, according to my trusty wiki, is "supportive behavior between two or more people. Friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis: tendency to desire what is best for the other, sympathy and empathy, honesty and mutual understanding. " I have a 'friend', and lets call this friend Donald. Now Donald has a best bud named let say Mickey. Now Donald and Mickey are both going to clown school together, far away from their friends and family. They dormed together their first year at clown school and are currently living apart but will soon be living together again for their third year at clown school. Now Donald and Mickey have been having some issues at clown school. They haven't taken well to this place because they aren't clowns like everyone else. One example is because they aren't sure what to specialize in, like a circus clown, kids birthday party clown, etc. Mickey was kicked out of being an flying inventor clown, one who invents new ways for clowns to fly. It was a very tough time for both Mickey and Donald. Mickey because he/she was kicked out of his passion, Donald because he/she had no real way to comfort him/her. Its always very tough to watch a best bud in pain, especially when you can't do anything to alleviate their pain. Mickey has enough problems in his/her life that Donald often refrains from telling his/her problems to Mickey. Donald keeps everything to his/herself. Donald just wants to sleep all the time and go home where he/she doesn't feel alone because there are so many people who care abut him/her there. Donald doesn't think Mickey truly understands what Donald is going through because Donald keeps her big mouth (literately) shut about her feelings, his/her emptiness inside, her fear for her family's safety and security. Donald loves Mickey, like you don't even understand how much. Donald wants nothing but the best for Mickey. Mickey deserves so much and more. But sometimes Donald sometimes feels inferior to Mickey. Mickey has a clown car and a clown car license and an on-clown campus job blowing up balloons for foreign clowns. Donald has none of this and sometimes feels like he/she is not doing anything. Mickey often brings up how like he/she feels like a real adult cause she has her clown car and on-clown campus job. It makes Donald feel sad inside because it makes Donald seem like he/she hasn't grown up and is mooching off Mickey. Donald spends so much time thinking about his/her family because hes/shes afraid for them. For his/her father and sister being sent away, his/her family's finances and losing their home, and most of all, her fathers health, who refuses treatment. This is another reason why he/she wants to go home all the time. He/she feels her parents time is very limited. He/she wants to spent as much time with them as he/she possibly can. He/she doesn't want it to be too late. Mickey doesn't know how Donald feels about that. What finally sent Donald over the edge is when Donald and Mickey's buddy, Goofy, from pre-clown school came to visit. Goofy came to visit an stayed with Donald because Donald had a bigger place. After a week Donald couldn't take it anymore. He/she was so annoyed of having Goofy EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. In school and in Donalds sanctuary, his/her apartment. Goofy was everywhere all the time. There was no break. Mickey left Goofy with Donald because he/she had a less grueling schedule and a private room and bath and Donald understood that, but it still drove Donald out of his/her mind. Donald just wanted to get away fast and he/she made some decisions that Mickey thought were not honest. But Donald wanted to go home for a day and Goofy didn't have to leave too, he could of stayed the rest of the day with Mickey, but didn't want him with him/her or something because Mickey became angry when he/she became aware that Donald was leaving. Donald hates confrontations and hasn't done anything to mend fences with Mickey. Donald is afraid and also is so sad inside that he/she doesn't want to spread the gloom and melancholy around to someone who doesn't need it. They have enough on their plate as it is. Donald wants everything to be okay again and know he/she needs to make the first step...but is lacking courage.....and strength.....auhh..friendship...whats in a word that makes challenging and difficult but totally worth it....Donald doesn't want to lose Mickey....and needs to do something...or else it won't be there..

Speak

I was doing my random wikipedia searches today when i came across a book named Speak. Its about a girl who was raped at a party when she was a freshman by a senior. She called the police and they broke up the party but she told no one about the rape. She became a social outcast at school for calling the police. As the year went on, she became withdrawn from family and friends, she skips classes, her grades drop to D's and F's and she wants nothing more than to take naps all the time. Well that book reminds me of me. I mean, not the rape part and stuff but of what she does to cope with it. There isn't a single major event that has happened to me, its small things in my life that have added up and I cant take it anymore. I have skipped classes for the last three weeks, I don't study for anything and I'm failing quizzes and midterms....I have no motivation at all..I only want to sleep....my only friendship here in this godforsaken place is suffering because of my actions...I'm no help to anyone right now...everyone is better off without me..I'm not needed anywhere.....i just want to home because i feel like they want me there...I don't know what to do....I need to keep it together...I need to do well, I'm here for a reason..to have an education and security later in life and to help my family..I can't fall apart....saying something is so much easier than actions...but not better...

Hallow Man (or Woman)

I'm starting to feel dead inside. I'm starting not to care about schoolwork and my friendships are suffering. I'm just so sad all the time and I feel I can't tell anybody because everyone has so many problems of their own that they don't need to know other peoples problems...I just want to get out of here Irvine..and go home..I feel safe there and welcomed....It really sucks when you feel absolutely nothing inside...just an ache that won't go away..the only reprieve is when I go sleep..and dream about things that you wish would happen....I now totally get when in movies people say they feel "empty inside"...its when you feel absolutely nothing...and you have to drag yourself out of bed everyday and plant fake a smile on your face so no one can know that your hallow inside....and the thing is...there isn't just a specific reason for why this is...its just everything, absolutely everything..

One more point for the Hell Box..

I sort of believe that a person has two "Boxes" : a Heaven Box and a Hell Box. You score a point for each box depending on your actions, whether they were good, or bad. When you die, the box with the most, well that determines where you'll go. I think I've scored another point for the bad box. I've been looking for someone to sublease my place for the summer because I'll be living in another apartment with Daph in the summer. Well since March 22, I've been talking to this girl from nor cal who wants to sublease my place. I was originally charging $820 for the entire summer. i really was going to sublease to her,.Then i told Daph and my current roommate about her and the three of us saw her myspace together. Turns out she loves cats and has cats at home. My roommate is severely allergic to them so she really, really, didn't want her to live here. Then Daph told me I should charge the extra month because I paid for it before I moved in. I payed the first and lasts months rent and I'm going to need the money for summer for our new place. Then another girl contacted me, this time from UCI. I told her no originally because I was talking to nor cal girl. Then i contacted her and asked if she was still interested but I was charging two months rent. So, this afternoon I signed a sublease agreement with her. Just moments ago, I sent an email to nor cal girl saying that, not about what really happened, but i told her I couldn't find a place to live for summer so I'm forced to stay here in my place. i lied and I had my current roommate write it for me. I'm a liar and a coward. I've been plagued for weeks with guilty thoughts, for letting her down so late. I've known for more than 2 weeks that I'm not subleasing to her and I didn't know how to tell her. I'm so disgusted by my actions. I've been giving her false promises and now she has nowhere to live and she has to start from scratched........I'm so bad........I've wanted t talk to Daph about this , my feelings about what I'm doing, but I called her yesterday and she didn't answer and hasn't called back...guess shes mad at me for some reason...i think it might be for Sunday about not telling her I was staying until Monday because maybe she was waiting for me.....sometimes family is the only thing you can really count on....they always pick up.....after like you stalk them with a million phone calls, lol....

gosh....I make my life so sad sometimes and depressing....at least I don't have suicide thoughts....i want to live.....and do stuff....just don't want it so lonely or sad....i need a purpose....some meaning....weird how this blog began and ended...

I would now like to be known as Loopy or KG...

I have been having some housing issues for next year lately. Today was the climax of these issues. I am living with Daphne, my best bud, Amy and her friend Karen. Well....Amy and Daph have been hard at work to find a decent place. They found a good place that had a decent price. A 2 bed, 2 bath. Daph described it to me and I liked it and the Karen said she was fine with it too. And so, this past Saturday, we all went to go sign the lease. Only Daph and Amy signed it because the lady only processed two applications, so we just said it was fine and so they went ahead and signed it. Amy, Daph and I went back to our apartments and the other Karen left to work. While the three of us were in Daph's car, Karen texted Amy and she said she didn't want to share the room with her because it was too small and she felt "squished". Why didn't she tell us this before the lease was signed!? So we (the three of us) went for like 2 days feeling panicked, worried and angry..mostly angry. Angry at this "Karen". This Karen wanted all us to bend to her needs...it was getting ridiculous for s bit, the three us offered to do a triple and she can have a single...and for some reason she then wanted to have the living room for her bedroom. I feel I was shown an insight as to her real character.Well now she was agreed to share the room with Amy..but there is a little bit of resentment toward her..it is unfortunate she shares my first name....and so I would like to be known as Loopy or KG....Loopy 'cause Amy gave me a nickname of my middle name, Guadalupe..and as weird as it sounds I kinda like it.... wonder what kind of new housing drama will now unfold...